^^ ..threatening to be recycled?!?!

As I was browsing on my e-mailbox the other day… I, by chance, bumped onto the letter (on my most recent post) I composed almost a year ago..call it a twist of fate or concurrence but the night after I have posted this to my blog (entitled $$ an expired break-up letter...holla!! ---- Well it isn’t my intention to fabricate a clash or whatever negative it may entail but ‘twas just one of my killing-the-boredom ways), this man and I had a not-so-fine argument about a very sensitive matter.. And, as the emotional person that I am, I’ve instinctively thought of the so many downbeat issues about our relationship that I wasn’t able to control myself from spilling it out that very moment. I just couldn’t help it. I felt very vulnerable…very weak… in evenhandedness to him, he said his sorry for quite a few times..but SORRY is not just what I wanted from him. And he knew that..but what makes me feel even more miserable is the fact that he can’t even think/do the slightest thing to make things right. Up to this time, I am still contemplating on this: How to cure one self’s emotional imbalance? Despair and frustration far exceeds joy and contentment. Can Letting Go and Acceptance really fill in what Hope has failed to unravel?

$$ an expired break-up letter...holla!!

Monday, July 28, 2008 3:19 PM

dearest PARE,

Der’s so much on my mind ryt now and I can’t stand to have it weigh on me.

Maybe it wud be wise to allow all these thoughts to sit, to cure, to unravel and to perhaps wind down

It seems an eternity wid my mind, a factory constantly creating, churning, and spewing out product…while no one is buying.

The supply far exceeds the demand.

While ur actual appearance in my reality has become a dim flicker,

in my consciousness I have fashioned a demigod (I mean to say I have been thinking about u a lot)

I hav come to understand on a clear and concise level what it is that I am not getting from our relationship.

Now, I feel guilty, selfish, and undeserving for even desiring those things.

Yet, I go on desiring

Until recently, the hope of a future where the seeds of my longing come to fruition has been enough

I am so sad.

I cannot even calculate my sadness. Der’s a lot of hurt here.

I wish I was able to show u dat I am a person of passion as well as substance, of logic along side impulse.

Perhaps, it is evident now. Der are 2 things, but I will address now only the crux of d matter.

Why do I hav to write these words, wen I should speak dem?

I love you…

I just do and I want u to love me too. But u just don’t. or if u do, u don’t show it.

U don’t want to say it.

Am I aiming to get something out of you?

I don’t know anymore.

I’m just tired of striving so hard.

I wanted to wait until u wer ready.

Now I think u will never be ready.

NOT FOR ME.

Maybe dat’s d problem.

I am blind and do not realize that u are not for me, but for someone else.

You amaze me.

I feel comfortable wid you and can imagine so much more wid us togeder.

But I need you to open up to me on an emotional level.

If it’s not there, then it’s not there.

It hurts me to think that. For your sake and mine.

It pains me to think dat u myt have nothing to say, dat all this pouring out of me is simply a catalyst for a cataclysmic reaction.

I don’t want to stop being wid you, but for how long can I hang on to impossible dream?

I guess this is GOODBYE.

“No matter how strong your feelings to somebody, if they can’t be returned—those feelings mean NOTHING” (jan aq natauhan nang mabasa q yan)

“I will not be wid a man hu leaves me alone even during special dealings (monthsary, xmas..)”

“I will not be wid a man hu wud always ask me to wait after office hours”

“I will not be wid a man hu can just watch my tears fall not minding at all”

“I will not be wid a man hu can’t initiate an ILOVEYOU confession”

“I will not be wid a man hu is extremely insensitive of what I feel and doesn’t seem to understand my thoughts”

“I will not be wid a man hu shows disinterest wen we talk about our future together”

“I will, under any circumstance, not be wid a man hu is cynical in regaining faith in me after I have distrusted HIM once for the reason he refuse to see and believe”.

Hindi q ginusto nung ginawa q syo ung bagay n un, my sarili aqng dahilan pro matagal q ng pinagsisihan. Alam kong mahirap ng ibalik ung TRUST n un, tanggap q n un..
im sorry….

-------TIN

**countdown to a bizarre vacation

it's roughly 16days 18hrs 52mins 36sec way to go
before i get to take hold of the talcum-like fine sands of Philippines finest---BORA..

its so absurd of me to be figuring out the exact time left before the dreaded day..
lolz..but wait..let me just explain myself...

why am i this incredibly excited about this trip?
what's in it anyway?

well just look at the picture at d right..that's where we are to stay...
and ther's so many other reasons still why i feel this OA-way...

first...its my first time to set foot on this pride island of the phils....

second... i'm confident enough that..it'll be the most romantic trip ever...
with me and dindo alone?...who wouldn't be thrilled by that?
its not what you think it is...its just that..its our first together-alone trip...

and third...i'l be out of office on those days...whew!!!..at last!

this trip, as i have said earlier, is our first extreme trip ever..just d two of us...
so its means..we can't expect anyone to do some things for us..
we have to do things on our own...

mind you, merely planning the itinerary for the whole trip itself is already exhausting on our part...
talk about flight booking, accomodation reservations...
land & sea transfers...seawater activities...and all that...
i just can't help but to get even more excited...hahhahaha...

BORACAY..here I comeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!